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Where to Spew Your Goo - The Aftermath

Masturbating starts off so promising, just gets better, and finished with a fabulous climactic release. Women are lucky, they're left with nothing but a smile on their face. But men have to deal with the messy reality of a load of jism to dispose of.

In this guide, we'll explore how best to dispose of your ejaculatory aftermath. From the solid, time-tested methods to the more kinky possibilities, we'll offer you the dos and don'ts.

  • In a tissue

    This is perhaps the easiest and most convenient way to get rid of your spooge. Keep a box of tissues near the bed or where ever you wank, and just grab one a little before the moment of truth arrives - or grab two, if you're a high volume shooter. Just be sure you throw the used tissue out immediately; you don't want to pick it up later and mistakenly blow your nose in it, or have a guest stumble on it by accident.

    Beware though, all brands of tisue aren't the same. A scratchy tissue can take the shine off your afterglow. Experiment with different types to find one that feels good.
     
  • In a wet washcloth

    Cumming into a warm, wet washcloth can be a pleasure in itself, and is definitely a step up from Kleenex. Use fabric softener in the wash for best results. Make sure you deal with the washcloth appropriately afterwards. Don't rinse it out and put it on the towel rack where someone might use it on their face. Put it straight in the laundry hamper.
     
  • In a sock

    Socks are great - there's usually one lying around, and they fit perfectly over your cock. Thick socks are best for absorption; dress socks are too thin. When you're done, toss it into the laundry bin or toss it under the bed. Some people will reuse the same sock multiple times. The disadvantage is you end up with a lot of mismatched socks, but that happens anyway.
     
  • In a T-shirt

    Another reliable spunk catcher is the T-shirt. If you're not wearing one, there's likely to be one within reach. A T-shirt also has enough material that, if you're careful, you can reuse it for several sessions. The downside of using clothing is that you'll always find yourself automatically checking before you go out to make sure your shirt isn't crusty.
     
  • In a plastic bag

    Got a drawer full of plastic bags from the grocery store? Here's one way to recycle them. You can also use sandwich bags. Plastic bags clean and convenient if you're masturbating someplace where you can't immediately dispose of your spewage, like in a car. Put a little lube in the bag for a fabulous fake pussy.
     
  • In a condom

    Similar to plastic bags, condoms allow you to shoot, contain your jizz, and toss at your convenience. Get the condom on while you're still masturbating, then finish the job. If you want to keep your hands clean or avoid leaking precum on anything, you can put the condom on as soon as you start getting hard. It's kind of a waste of a condom, but if you're not having sex, you might as well get some use out of them. Also, you can leave the spent condoms in your wastebasket if you want people to think you've been getting laid.

    Your best bet 
     
  • In the plants

    An eco-friendly solution to the problem: it wastes no water, creates no garbage, and it's good for the environment. Spunk is 100% biodegradeable and contains protein, minerals, and nitrogen that plants thrive on. Shoot into the soil of a houseplant, or into the shrubs outdoors. You'll be doing the plants a favor by fertilizing them, and your friends will be impressed by your green thumb.
     
  • Into the toilet

    This takes good aim, but it's the tidiest method if you can pull it off. Simple and easy - one flush and you're done. It's a little unceremonious, but it leaves no evidence.
     
  • In the shower

    Carefree jizzing is one of the many advantages to jerking off in the shower, along with privacy, lots of slippery stuff for lube (shampoo, hair conditioner), and multitasking as you tend to your daily hygiene. In the shower, it doesn't matter if your jizz lands on yourself, the floor, or the tile wall; it all washes down the drain with a little hot water.
     
  • In a scrapbook

    Do you like to keep a record of your accomplishments? Buy a large scrapbook with plain heavy paper pages. Before you start masturbating, lay the book open to a fresh page. When you cum, spew your wad onto the paper. Write down the date and any comments (volume, consistency, etc.). Let it dry completely, otherwise the pages will stick together.
     
  • In an ice cube tray

    Another way to preserve your spunk is to take the cryogenic route. Cum into an ice cube tray and freeze the contents. Depending on the size of the tray, you should be able to store several loads. There's no guarantee that your sperm will still be viable, but the cum-cubes can liven up your next party.
     
  • Into a shot glass

    Squirting into a shot glass or small tumbler is cool because you can see the volume of your load and get a good look at the color and consistency. If you're into drinking your own cum (and some guys are), this also makes it easy to toss it back - wedge of lime is optional. See above suggestion (ice cube tray) for a complete cum cocktail.
     
  • In your hand

    Catching your jizz in your hand is sort of a last resort method for when you didn't plan anything else, or your original plan was thwarted (no Kleenex in the box, couldn't make it to the bathroom in time, etc.). Keep your palm cupped and your fingers together. Get to a sink as soon as you can and wash it down the drain.
     
  • Into your face/mouth

    If you're flexible enough, and you get off on tasting your own jizz, this can make you totally self-sufficient. Lie on your back and put your legs and feet up over your head so you're bent double. Lying on the floor with your back pushed up against the wall can help. Position your cock over your face as you wank, then open your mouth and let the cum fall in. Close your eyes if you're shooting on your face; semen in the eyes stings like hell. Advanced yoga practitioners and contortionists can use this position for auto-fellatio (self-sucking).
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