Sex with Food: How to Masturbate with Food
It even has that realistic fishy aroma:
Masturbate using a squid. That's right. That slimy purplish squid. It'll feel just like your second skin. Pull off its head and clean its insides. Slip your cock right into the squid and start shaking till you blow your cum in it.
The Quicker Picker-Upper
Use extra absorbency if you're a big shooter:
To make clean-up easier after blowing your load, you can get a paper towel, poke a hole in it with your cock, and push it all the way down to the base of your cock. Then, jack away! This way, you don't have to get anything when you cum, just take the paper towel or whatever off, fold it up, and throw it away.
Frosty the Ass Man
For cooling off on hot summer days:
Use the ice cubes from a tray and ice up your asshole, letting it melt down a lot. When your ass is good and numb, push the ice cube into yourself. I sometimes put 2 or 3 ice-cubes in myself and let them melt inside me. It feels so good to feel the cool, soothing sensation in my ass as I stroke. It isn't at all painful, just make sure your ass is numbed well before insertion. If it is uncomfortable after insertion, sit on the toilet and it passes out easily.
Try entering this recipe in your next bake-off:
Take a warm cupcake (store-bought is fine, too, just microwave it). Cut it in half and stick your hard dick in between the two pieces. Then squeeze and stroke until you cum. It feels much better than the traditional methods. Try it out, it really works!
A Middle Eastern recipe for meaty fun:
Get 2 bits of kebab meat and put them both in the microwave for 30 seconds or until they're nice and warm (not hot). Then put one bit on top of the other and put your cock in between. It feels just like the real thing.
Watch It Wiggle
Bill Cosby's favorite method:
First make a batch of Jell-O in a Ziploc bags. Then after it has set lube up your cock, put the bag of Jell-O underneath a couch cushion with the opening facing out. Open the Ziploc, put your cock in, then close the lock as close to your cock as you can without pain. Fuck to your hearts delight. And if you're like me you have something to eat after to cool you down and refresh you.
A practical dissertation on cucumberology:
I tried using a cucumber. It was great. Just like was said before get the biggest one you can, cut two or three inches off one end, hollow it out as wide and deep as you can. I used a knife and spoon. Try putting your hard cock in the hole, if it won't fit in very far, take a knife and make a two or three inch slit lengthwise on the cucumber, now you'll fit! You don't have to wrap it with duck tape like was said before, I did wrap mine in plastic food wrap though. Run cucumber under hot water, dry off and it's ready. I put it under a couch cushion knelt down and fucked my new hot pussy. It was great, wait until you hear the sucking sounds it makes. Another nice thing is that you can keep cucumbers at home and the wife won't suspect a thing.
We should submit a sample as an exhibit for the Worldwide Spam Museum:
Open the Spam can and remove the meat from the can. Rinse off the fat in warm water. Take the spam and place it on a plate. Take duck tape and wrap it around the spam to hold it together. Now out a portion of the spam in the shape of an oval egg...or like this ()... about the circumference of you penis or a bit smaller Heat the Spam pussy slightly in a microwave to get it warm, but not hot. Now slide your penis inside for a incredible feeling. Stroke your Spam pussy up and down your shaft until you shoot off...the fat in the spam is all the lube you will need.
This is how they thought up the name "fruit of the loom":
Get yourself a nice, ripe musk melon or cantaloupe, and cut a round hole in the side a little bit smaller than your dick. Next take (this part gets expensive) a fairly decent sized jar of Vaseline and fill the melon up. And, I learned this from experience, put a condom on, and masturbate you way to an awesome climax.
We posted something similar before, but this is more detailed:
Take a fresh loaf of sliced white bread...the ones that come in a plastic bag with a tie at one end. Take a knife and cut a slit through the plastic bag into the bread in the middle of the closed end. Stick the knife in about 6" deep or so. Fill the hole you just made with about a cup of hot water and let it soak in for about 10 minutes or so until it feels "right" when you slip your fingers in the hole. Put the loaf between two pillows and bang away. You only get one whack per loaf.
Don't forget the mayonnaise:
Use a piece of bologna and put it in the microwave for a few seconds. Then put it in your hand and your ready to go. The smooth bologna feels a lot like a pussy.
The Liver Giver
I wonder what a "warm and slippery orgasm" feels like:
All you need is a piece of liver. Almost thawed, but still a little frozen. Once you can bend the liver, find the middle and use a knife to cut a whole in the center about the size of a dime. Wrap it around your penis. The cold meat feels like a real pussy, all wet and slippery. Whack off as you usually would and just before you jiz make sure the whole in the liver is at the head of your prick and cum away. Intense!!
What a clever use of produce:
Take a large cucumber and cut both ends off. Using a butter
knife or spoon, remove all of the seeds and a little of the cucumber meat so you
have a nice 'sleeve'. Adjust to fit the circumference of your penis. Heat
the cucumber in the microwave for about 1 to 1.5 minutes. Touch the inside
to make sure it's not too hot, it's easy to burn yourself.
I'm watching my cholesterol, so I only use the egg whites:
When I masturbate I break 2 eggs (from the refrigerator) and lubricate my cock head, shaft and balls with the egg gel . I pour the remaining egg on the clean floor. Watching an erotic film I put my dick on the slippery floor. Then I play my dick freely on the floor and think of pussy. If you have extra remaining egg. pour it on your ass hole. It is really amazing
Not only does it feel good, it's rich in Vitamin C:
When I am horny I find an orange and hollow it out to fit my cock. When you do this don't cut all the way through. Leave the skin on the other side to provide some massive suction. You don't need lubricant, because the orange will be so juicy. Stick your cock in it and fuck it till you come. Believe me it will feel like a real pussy. Then if you want you can eat it.
Use butternut squash. Cut off the smaller end...hollow it out with a spoon and knife. But make sure the hole is not too big....then put a small hole on the other end as stated in other posts. Then, put the squash in the over turned up to 150 - 200 degrees. Leave it in there for a few minutes till it is warm. Then bang away. It is nice and warm to the touch and you can re-use it. Just throw it back into oven if it cools down.
Hollow out a cucumber. Insert a doctor's latex glove inside the cucumber with the opening sticking out of the cucumber. Fold the opening of the glove over the outside part of the cucumber put a rubber band around to hold it tight. Fill with oatmeal and damn it feels good!
Do Your Liver
Get a milk carton. Buy about 1 lb of raw liver (beef works best). Fill carton with room temperature liver. Pump away. I don't recommend heating the liver, cooking it takes away from the experience. If you like a rough texture, add oatmeal or even grape nuts to the liver.
A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the "vagina." Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job!
Take a small bag (big enough for your penis to fit into). Fill it 3/4 of the way full with flour. Next take the bag and put it between two pillows, insert you penis into the bag and go at it. This is a very good feeling, it is very soft and very arousing
Buy yourself a rock melon or honeydew melon. Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much. Heat the melon in a microwave (be careful!) and squirt in some baby oil. If you've done it right you'll get a heap of suction when you fuck it. This method comes as close to the feeling of a real pussy or anus as you're ever likely to get! You'll start to get a hard-on whenever you walk past a fruit shop!
Hollow out a big cucumber, make sure it is longer and wider than you dick. Put a small hole in the top and put it under hot water. Slide in your hard cock and go at it. Also try sticking it between couch pillows, or take a pillow and wrap a belt around the pillow and put the cucumber in between the pillow and belt.
Definitely not kosher sex
When I want a good whack, I use snow cap lard from any grocery store. The lard is very slippery, and almost as slick as pig fat. Pig fat, believe it or not is the best lubrication I've ever used. You can get pig fat from any grocery store, just tell them your wife is using it for seasoning for a stew or some sort. When you use it, make sure it is REAL pig fat, not chicken or turkey or something, which can be irritating.
Go out and buy a package of chicken breasts. Peel of the chicken skin. Than microwave the skin for 20-30 seconds. That will cause a natural lubrication of the oils. Slap the skin around you cock and stroke until you cum.
Hold the lox
I had 2 broken hands as a result of a skateboarding accident. What I did, I stole bagels from the cafeteria and greased them with butter. I would then proceed to insert my penis in the opening of the bagel and go buck wild!
Cantaloupe and warm cottage cheese
Take a melon, I like cantaloupes (you may need a watermelon if your really hung) and drill a hole in it and with a long hard object. Mash the insides and finger them out (just enough of the insides so you can fit). Then fill the melon with warm cottage cheese. This is the most incredible sex ever. I would rather have it than a woman.
Get a banana and blend it with a blender and add some water. Rub the blended banana around your dick and slowly masturbate. You can lick it while masturbating.
Where's the beef
Try getting a steak. I find that a London broil is good; it is cheep and good size for more than one helping. Cut a piece long enough for your penis then slice a hole in the end big enough to fit but not to big. Run it under some hot water, wrap it in a towel and put it between the couch cushions. This is the most real feeling I have ever had.
Mac 'n' cheese please
Fill a jar with some fresh made macaroni and cheese, any cheap brand will do. Let it cool down to about 110 Fahrenheit or so depending on individual taste and hump away
Smooth and chunky
Get an old vase that will fit your cock and put in some peanut butter or what ever floats your boat. Then fuck it like you never fucked before.
Buy a large cucumber and carefully hollow out one end. Hold closed end up under hot water. Slide yourself in and pump and twist. It'll give you a blow job you'll want again and again. Watermelon hot in the field, though, is even better.
Most important meal of the day
Take a hot pot of oatmeal (not too hot we don't wanna burn ourselves). Gently slide your cock into the gooey goodness. May sound gross but plain and simple it's the best multiple orgasm I've ever had!
Cook a spaghetti squash in the oven. Cut a hole in the end large enough for your cock -- pump away until you explode. The poor gourd!
Take a raw Cornish hen, let it thaw out, and then remove the giblets and innards; wash it out thoroughly. Set the Cornish hen on the table, drop your pants and pump away. It may sound gross but it is an incredible turn-on!
Bake it with Crisco
I use peanut butter to sooth my cravings. Its messy with the peanut butter getting in the pubes, but I shaved mine off to make it feel sensual. Try chunk and smooth, it works the best
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