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Party Planner
Spew Goo





Using Objects to Masturbate: 

Balloon Bust

Get a big bang -- or two -- out of your jerk off:

Take a balloon and inflate it to about 2/3 of its size. Sit on it slowly and start to wank the usual way. The closer you get to cumming the harder you squeeze down on the balloon, and before you climax,  bounce on it. If timed correctly you can cum just as the balloon pops. Alternatively you might take two balloons filled until they are just about to pop, and shove them up your top. Then lie face down on the bed and wank, trying to pop the balloons in the process.

Dick on a Rope

Keeps hands free for...knitting?

Take yarn and tie it around your waist so it pulls your penis back against your stomach, under the yarn and holds it against your stomach. It should also pull some of the skin up on your penis. It kinda bunches it all up just below the head. Then  remove the showerhead from the pipe coming out of the wall. Lie down on the bath or shower floor and position yourself so that the water stream is pounding the underside of your penis, right where all the skin is bunched up. Just lie back and try to relax, although the feeling is so intense it is hard to.  It's a great way to masturbate hands free.

An Organic Experience

Soothes and conditions while you wank:

First find a large aloe vera plant (the leaves need to be at least 4 inches across at the base). Cut a leaf off at the widest part of the base  possible. Let it wilt a little so it is soft and flexible. Cut the spikes off (cut just the spikes, not all the skin along the edge). Warm the leaf slightly in the microwave. Cut a slit in the wide end of base (or cut some of the flesh out). Test the inside with your fingers to make sure it's not too hot. Then have at it -- no lube needed.

Glove Love

Give yourself a hand:

Get an empty toilet paper tube and a latex glove. Put the latex glove into the toilet paper roll and secure it with a rubber band, then lube up the inside with some lotion. Put it between a mattress and box spring and HUMP away!!

Soggy Sock

We suggest you use a *clean* sock:

Take a sock and make it wet with lukewarm water. Pull the wet sock over your cock until the the tip of your cock reaches the the end. Make sure that your scrotum is covered by the sock too, so it's gently pulled toward your body. Wank away as you like. The rubbing of your glans against the wet sock and the bobbing of your scrotum will soon make you come hard. Very hard.


Sometimes it's good to keep things simple:

I like using just a nice, soft Kleenex. Just wrap it around your dick, then jack away. This keeps mess to a minimum, as you can use the Kleenex to catch your cum.

Cool as Ice

Be careful not to overdo it, we don't want freezer-burned balls:

Take a zip lock plastic bag and place about 4 to 6 ice cubes inside the bag. Zip the bag up and place the bag on your balls. You might want to also wrap a towel around the bag before placing it against your scrotum. As you begin to play with your dick the ice will begin to melt in the bag and also cool down the balls. If you want to cum in gallons this is the way. The cold cum that comes out is very refreshing and the cool cum is great to store for future use. The cold will hold the cum back and as it warms up coming up the shaft it is like there is no end to it.

Pamper Yourself

When you go shopping for the diapers, tell people it's for your newborn nephew:

Soak a disposable diaper in warm (not hot) water until it's "full". Hold on to it on one side letting all the absorbent material fall to the bottom. Cut an appropriate sized hole at the bottom and go at it. Careful, as it can be a bit messy. But, it's quite a nice feeling.

Bottle Recycler 

Not just fun but ecologically friendly:

Find a plastic bottle with a mouth the width of your cock.  You can add things to the inside that might make it feel more realistic, but just the grip of a good-sized Gatorade bottle (64oz.'er) on my lubed-up dick... oh my god...

Here's the MAJOR thing, though, do NOT forget to do this before you start pumping: you need to cut a hole in your plastic bottle near the bottom  lip.  This way, the piston motion won't make a vacuum... for that reason, don't EVER try this with a glass bottle!!!  It's a bad scene when the medics show up and you're bleeding, and there's glass with blood on it all over the place... 


Get slimed:

My favorite way to masturbate is to purchase some Nickelodeon Gak. For those who don't know its a strange little gel substance that's really cold and slippery. It makes me feel like I'm having sex with an alien.

Aren't You Glad You Use Dial 

We like to encourage recycling:

Get an empty box for a bar of soap. Get it wet so that is can be shaped to fit your cock then start fucking it. The left-over soap turns slick and acts like lube.

Cold Comfort

I wonder if this causes blue balls:

Get a condom and fill the reservoir at the end (the little bit that collects your cum)  with water. Freeze it in your freezer, then once it's turned to ice, roll the condom on . When you come, I swear you'll have no better feeling.


I wonder if this is good for the flowers:

Find a vase with the right size hole that your shaft can easily slide in and out of. Then lube up your shaft and also lube the hole of the vase. Next place the vase against the wall and start workin it until you build up to orgasm. You then can shoot your load in too the vase and its also very easy to clean.

Tea bag 

Float those balls:

Take a relatively large cup and fill it with warm water. Lower your balls into the water as you jack off. It feels great when you come. Use cold water for a totally different sensation.

Home Improvement  

Insulate this:

Your nearby home improvement store sells lengths of foam insulation for 1" copper pipe, and it happens to fit on other similarly sized objects. You probably don't need the standard six foot length, but you can cut it to fit, lube it up, and slip it on. It feels great just walking around, and moving it around feels even better.

Gel Pack

Just don't heat it up too much:

The best method of masturbation I have found is using a hot/cold gel pack, the kind you can put in the freezer or microwave to put on sore muscles. Warm it up in the microwave the suggested amount of time, then you can put it between the mattress or you can put scotch tape around it and move it with your hand.  Just us some sort of lube, I prefer hair conditioner.  The warm pad feels so great on your cock, it is unbelievable!

Bubble wrap

And when you're done, you get to pop them in the afterglow:

Get an 8 by 12 inch piece of bubble wrap. Wrap it around your cock.  Then put some scotch tape around to help hold its shape.  Slide it off and lube it real good.  Then go to town.  You can just wash it out when you are done and reuse it.  

Sandwich Bag 

Lube your dick up with your favorite lube...Vaseline is good.  Then put it in a sandwich back...not a zip lock.  Go in between the cushions of the couch and pump away. It feels really good.

Coozie Up 

Get a coozie, one of those things you use to keep a beer cold, and make the little hole on the bottom bigger. Then, lay a pillow along the bed as a person would lay. Put the coozie under the bottom part of the pillow and fuck it. Since you'll be laying on top of the pillow while fucking it, your weight will hold the coozie down.

Who's that? 

Position yourself so that a mirror only reflects only from the waist down. Now you can pretend that someone else is jerking you, since you can only see from the waist down. Or you can pretend you are jerking someone else...  Not seeing your face, you are never sure whose hands are jerking you.

Small comfort

Take a comforter and stick it between the mattresses.  Kneel and then insert your hard penis between the mattresses and pump like a madman.  It results in a sensational orgasm.

Sock it to me

Go to a toy store and purchase a toy called socker boppers. They are inflatable boxing gloves for kids. When you inflate them, (as much as you can), the hole where the child's hand goes is very tight. Once lubricated it makes a great "vagina" The bonus is they are cheap (you get a pair of them), they are washable vinyl, (I just clean mine in the shower), and you can deflate them to the size of an orange. I never travel on business without one.

Face-down in the shower

I take off the shower head, adjust it so that the stream of water hits just beyond the drain in the bath tub.  I get my cock semi hard and push it between my legs, then lay on my stomach, with the thick stream of water hitting on the underside of my cock, just below the head.  The intensity of the water makes me cum, every time, in a minute or two.

Sock it to me 

Roll a sock inside out so it looks like a donut, you may have to put some silk in it and then fuck the hole till you cum.   

Tie me up

Take a man's necktie,  tie it as usual then loosen the knot to take it off you neck. Now slip your balls inside and tighten it up around them,  I've found keeping the knot under my balls works best. Now use it to tug at your balls as you jack-off, it feels really good.  Alternatively,  put your cock and balls thru and tighten it down.  With this method the tie acts as cock strap and really makes your cock hard,  this feels REALLY good.  


Position the head of your dick right next the water return jets of your pool.  Once you get the right position, it won't take that long. 

Liverwurst and oral hygiene

I like to stick a softened toothbrush up my ass while I whack off with a piece of liverwurst in my palm! I guess any cold cut would do, but I prefer liverwurst. Anyway, go slow until your about to spew, then speed up to explosion time. Just as you explode, reach around and move the toothbrush from side to side!

Furry goodness

Take a stuffed animal. Cut a hole where the pussy would be and tape a picture of a really hot lady on the face. Stick your dick in the hole and pump away. It feels just like you are having sex.

Diaper me

I like to use disposable diapers. First you get a couple diapers out and put them on the bed. Open up one diaper and put it over your penis and slowly move the diaper up and down on your penis. It feels really good. 

Feel glad

Take a plastic bag, (a little one but big enough to fit all of your cock into.) Get on your knees in front of a bed or couch, and put your cock in the bag, and stick it in between, the crack, of the bed or couch. Push down on top of the bed or couch and fuck the couch, a little lotion or something along those lines works well. 

Anal fun

Once you get past the taboo of it, try inserting something thumb-sized into your anus, like a candle or something, while doing what ever feels best.  Use lots of lube and run it under hot water first to make it pliable and warm.  When you cum, your anus contracts anyway, and with something in there even just a little bit, makes it contract even harder and makes the orgasm so much more intense.

Scrunch up

I like to take a hair scrunchy from my girlfriend - wrap it under my balls and around my cock (Wrapping it twice increases the feeling intensely).  I then like to heat up some oil in the microwave and slowly rub away. I explode after only minutes.

Tight fit 

I love using a condom on my hard rock penis and sliding into shaving cream inside of a toilet paper roll.  It's real, real tight, but well worth it.  Then after you have cum, do it again.  This makes double lubricant, cum and shaving cream.  The shaving cream feels awesome. 

Sponge it off 

My favorite way to masturbate is to take a large sponge and put a hole in it large enough to insert my penis. Then put a plastic bag in the hole. I put the sponge under a bed or chair mattress to hold it tight. Then I put Astroglide on my penis and stick it in the sponge and hump away.  When I cum my penis throbs harder than when I cum from intercourse. I get hard just thinking about it. 

Home improvement 

Get your cock and rub it up and down walls in your house. The great thing about doing it first time is the unpredictability of the texture of each wall.

Slipper love

Get your lady friend a pair of soft, tickly furries for her pretty feet. Then have her give them back to you after a few wears so that her natural essence is inside of them. Sniff them, then use the soft furry parts of the slippers VERY SLOWLY to rub your penis. Bets to get soft soled, no heels furries scuffies (open or closed toed) that are furry inside as well as outside. Watch your favorite fetish video and treat yourself to the fun!

Stick it where?

Take a smooth, small object, and insert it to penis hole. Move it in and out. I think it is a very cool method, but be careful, you can hurt yourself!

Bearing balling

I like to use BBs.  Find a jar big enough for your dick, fill it up with BBs (bought in about any sporting goods department) then start pumping away.  I use a condom when I do it, I found it makes it better.  I have also filled the jar with some KY Jelly from time to time, that's the best, but it can get expensive.


Use a vibrator and hold it on your penis with a thick rubber band. Next, take three or four pillows, lay them on the bed, stick your penis inside and go at it.

Bunny bop

Two words: rabbit fur. (A pelt.......not the actual freaking rabbit, you  freaks.)  Fold it in half and roll it up in a tube, slide it up and down your wanker. Not too tight, just light enough to feel the fur. And isn't that what we all want, guys. Just feel the fur

More Tips: 

Female Masturbation | Tips for Gay Men
 Using Objects | Creative Contraptions
Kinky Pleasures  | Stroke Technique
 From the Kitchen | Lube Advice


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